Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
Follow the Hollow Tree on Facebook!Follow the tweets!Let's pin together!Look! Square pictures!Google Plus us!HTV's on the YouTube, too!Subscribe via RSS feed!Get yourself some Bloglovin'!I'll send htv to your email inbox!

I STILL Just Want To Pee Alone

At my house, we have the stupidest doorknobs in the world.

The saddest part is that these are the replacement knobs; our old doorknobs were stupid, too, but I hate the new ones so much that I can't even remember anymore what was wrong with the others. At this point, though, as long as the old ones weren't actively engulfed in flames I'm pretty sure they're superior to our current setup.

Really, I don't care so much about most of the knobs - it's mainly the bathroom one I hate, because it has two settings:
1) Constantly popping open randomly so you don't notice until after you've washed your hands that the bathroom door has been cracked two inches the whole time you were in there, or

As a result of not wanting to be stuck in the bathroom until I'm forced to sustain myself on a stew made from strawberry bubble bath and slivers of Irish Spring, I rarely lock the bathroom door. And as a result of rarely locking the bathroom door, I'm pretty much never in there alone.

Hey, they should make a humor anthology about that!

Oh wait, a bunch of us did - remember I Just Want To Pee Alone, the gigantic national best-selling hit full of hilarious parenting stories? Of course you do. Well, we're all in luck because the next anthology in the series, I STILL Just Want To Pee Alone, will be available on March 27th! And I'm in this one, too!

It's just as full of relatable laugh out loud, cry along, nod in agreement stories as the first, so follow along via subscription and the social media links below to get updates and notifications about the upcoming release! And while you're waiting, check out this amazing list of contributors - some are old friends and some are new friends, but they're all fabulous writers.

Jen Mann of People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Bethany Kriger Thies of Bad Parenting Moments

Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying

Alyson Herzig of The Shitastrophy

JD Bailey of Honest Mom

Kathryn Leehane of Foxy Wine Pocket

Suzanne Fleet of Toulouse and Tonic

Nicole Leigh Shaw of Nicole Leigh Shaw, Tyop Aretist

Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year

Rebecca Gallagher of Frugalista Blog

Rita Templeton of Fighting off Frumpy

Darcy Perdu of So Then Stories

Christine Burke of Keeper of The Fruit Loops

Amy Flory of Funny Is Family

Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree Ventures

Sarah del Rio of est. 1975

Amanda Mushro of Questionable Choices in Parenting

Jennifer Hicks of Real Life Parenting

Courtney Fitzgerald of Our Small Moments

Lola Lolita of Sammiches and Psych Meds

Victoria Fedden of Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds

Keesha Beckford of Mom's New Stage

Stacia Ellermeier of Dried-on Milk

Ashley Allen of Big Top Family

Meredith Bland of Pile of Babies

Harmony Hobbs of Modern Mommy Madness

Janel Mills of 649.133: Girls, the Care and Maintenance Of

Kim Forde of The Fordeville Diaries

Stacey Gill of One Funny Motha

Beth Caldwell of The Cult of Perfect Motherhood

Sarah Cottrell of Housewife Plus

Michelle Back of Mommy Back Talk

Tracy Sano of Tracy on the Rocks

Linda Roy of elleroy was here

Michelle Poston Combs of Rubber Shoes In Hell

Susan Lee Maccarelli of Pecked To Death By Chickens

Vicki Lesage of Life, Love, and Sarcasm in Paris

Kris Amels of Why, Mommy?

Mackenzie Cheeseman of Is there cheese in it?

Tracy DeBlois of Orange & Silver


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

Sticking It To Our Kids With a myCharge #giveaway

Here's a statistic I just learned: Did you know that the average smartphone user checks their phone 110 times per day?

I would have estimated that number to be a lot higher.

Well, here's another stat for you: Did you know that without an available power source, 77% of phone users will have a dead battery by 4pm?

Now, this one I believe, because it seems like every time I need to call or text or message one of my kids, OOPS, they couldn't reply because their device wasn't charged up. Huh, that's funny kids, you always seem to have plenty of battery life when you're playing games or Facetime-ing your friends, but WHATEVER.

Of course I'm no better; I use my phone constantly for work activities, like desperately checking to see if any of you wonderful people have retweeted me or liked one of my many, many hilarious Facebook posts. You know, really important work stuff. Naturally I would never waste precious battery life on mindless games like my kids do (cough cough CANDY CRUSH cough cough) but to each his own.

Whether at work or play all of these things can be a huge strain on your phone's battery, but there's good news: this is where myCharge comes in!

These are great to have for yourself, but take it from me - they're also great to give to any of your offspring who might claim they couldn't text you back or research their oceanography project on their tablet because their device was dead. NO MORE EXCUSES, CHILDREN.

myCharge is a leader in portable charging solutions that's been first to offer the most advanced solutions for a multitude of needs. Their devices boast built–in charging cords that emphasize portability and versatility, and powerful lithium polymer batteries that allow you to quickly charge your smartphone, tablet, eReader and other devices so that they’re ready when you need them! Ditch your dependency on cables and wall outlets – and let myCharge make your life a bit easier!

For the month of February myCharge is offering the Limited Edition RazorPlus Bundle for $49.99 - in it you receive a RazorPlus with the imprint: We can charge right here right now. The RazorPlus is an ultra-thin rechargeable 3000 mAh battery crafted from anodized aluminum that delivers an extra 13 hours talk time for your smartphone. You'll also receive a shirt and a 22 oz. reusable/dishwasher safe stadium cup that is color-changing! The frosted cups turn green when filled with your favorite (possibly adult) beverage. Green is the new red after all!

myCharge is also giving away 20 of these Bundles FREE, so enter for your chance to win below!

Limited Edition RazorPlus Bundle Prize from myCharge

Good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

For more fun contests, promotions and product info visit mycharge.com!

I am running this giveaway on behalf of myCharge because I like their products and because I hate it when my - or my kids' - devices run out of batteries right when I was about to do some important work and/or get to the next level on Crossy Road. All opinions are my own, and, presumably, those of the other fine bloggers taking part in this giveaway.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

A Realistic Guide to That Box of Chocolates

I'm one of those women who tells her husband every year that she doesn't want anything for Valentine's Day - and I mean it. It's not a trap or a test to see if he really loves me enough to plunge us into massive credit card debt for a diamond tennis bracelet I'll never wear. I don't need a little red dust-collecting bear holding a puffy heart that cleverly declares, "I love you BEAR-Y much," and watching $50 worth of roses wilt and die on my kitchen counter over the course of several agonizing days never struck me as particularly romantic, either.

In fact, I would be completely fine with skipping the holiday entirely.

If it weren't for the chocolate.

Sure, samplers look beautiful and filled with possibility, but as Forrest Gump famously said, “You never know what you’re gonna get.” There’s usually a chart meant to be useful inside, but with descriptions like “Truffled Artisan Ganache” and “Roman Nougat Whip” you still have no idea what’s coming your way when you take a bite.

That’s why I created a helpful chocolate box guide with real descriptions of the chocolates you always find inside. You can send me a bar of chocolate to thank me on Valentine’s Day.

Real Guide to What's Inside Your Box of Chocolates by Robyn Welling on Mommy Shorts

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

Why Kids' Crafts Aren't What You Think

Everything you need to make delightful wooden butterfly magnets in a box? Jewelry kits, pre-cut felt finger puppets, THE FAB BADGE MAKER? That's right, kids' craft kits mock us from the We Know Your Children Are Bored and Need Enrichment aisle of almost every store you go into, and it's easy to believe they'll buy you a few hours of creative bonding for the bargain price of $12.99.

I've been lulled into that false sense of parental smugness by these kits on many occasions, each time fully convinced I had purchased a magical box brimming with brain-stimulating quiet activities.


Kids' Craft Kits: Expectations vs. Reality by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

Here's a sampling of what you think is going to happen - and what actually does:

What you expect: They'll be entertained for hours!

What happens: You spend hours scraping glow-in-the-dark glitter glue off your kitchen table.

What you expect: The box will contain everything you need to make several items.

What happens: The kids use every single googly eye and Popsicle stick on the first project, then complain that everything they try to make with the remaining glue dots and four beads is hopelessly lame.

What you expect: The craft will be age-appropriate, based on the recommendation on the label.

What happens: Your child somehow finds a way to make fuzzy pompoms extremely dangerous.

If you've ever fallen victim to the lure of the Craft Kit - or if you've just been tempted to buy one and want to know what you're in for - check out Kids Craft Kits: Expectations vs. Reality on momdotme. And then please come over and help me pick up the 2,000 plastic pony beads that've found their way into every crevice of my home since my daughter dropped her Mega Bead Bucket kit and the lid came flying off. Because YES, THAT HAPPENED. Consider yourself warned.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

I Know What Could Have Saved SkyMall

If you've ever flown on a plane, you've undoubtedly flipped through a SkyMall catalog. Full of delightful items that no one would ever buy in a million years even if they could afford them, from giant garden statues of Bigfoot to toilets equipped with USB ports (I'm guessing), SkyMall was hands-down the most entertaining thing you were likely to find in the seatback pocket in front of you.

Sadly, the company that publishes SkyMall filed for bankruptcy late last week, which I guess means people with uncharged smartphones will be forced to watch the in-flight movie or have actual conversations on planes now instead of pretending to shop for ridiculously overpriced and impractical stuff in the SkyMall catalog. However, if they had asked me (which of course no one ever does) they probably could have remained solvent if they'd marketed themselves more to moms.

Here are six things any mom would've been happy to buy - things that would've fit right in with all the bizarre face-massaging sunglasses and temperature-controlled bathrobes SkyMall was so well-known for.

6 great products we wish were in SkyMall For Moms by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

Juice-Aerating Sippy Cup: Embark on an entirely new sippy cup experience, as your child's sparkling apple juice is allowed to properly breathe the way nature intended, as far as you know.

100% Pewter Baby Gate: Perfect for the mom with a passion for both safety and medieval decor!

Diapers With Biometric Thumbprint Recognition Tab Release:* This stylish technological wonder keeps your diaper-Houdini modest until YOU (or your spouse - yeah, you should probably program it with your spouse's thumbprint) are ready. *Okay, we’ll be honest, we have no idea what the name of this product even means, but we’re SkyMall so it doesn’t matter as long as it sounds cool.

Smartphone Case With Built-In Diaper Wipe Dispenser: The two things you never leave home without - together! Comes with one year emergency roadside assistance for those times when a diaper blowout happens far from home and OF COURSE you forgot to refill the dispenser.

Motorized Stroller Scooter: This sleek stroller design belies the heavy-duty shock absorbers and V12 Hemi engine hidden under the convenient snack tray. Mom can step on the flip-down non-slip running board and seamlessly transition from taking baby for a walk to taking baby on an off-road adventure!

Pacifier With Hidden Compartment For Cash: Best to play it safe by stowing your infant's valuables out of sight. No one would guess she had a secret hiding spot, plus it's scientifically impossible to get a paci out of a baby's mouth unless she's asleep and slack-jawed anyway. Also available in a whimsical mustache design!

Noise Canceling Pillow: This luxurious pillow is constructed with space-age materials that allow Mom to sleep through anything, including a child two inches from her face yelling, "MOM, I TRIED TO MAKE CHOCOLATE MILK FOR BREAKFAST AND NOW THE CAT NEEDS A BATH."

So, what about you - what do you wish you still had a chance to buy from SkyMall?

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!