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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Headlines From Every Mom's Trip To a Restaurant

funny list of headlines from every mom's trip to a restaurant by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

Did you hear that Hillary Clinton stopped to eat at a Chipotle in Ohio last week? Of course you did; you can't swing a burrito bowl around the Internet these days without seeing an article about it.

What's the big deal, you ask? Oh, it's quite newsworthy according to every news outlet on the planet taking time to investigate all aspects of ChipotleGate; from the political strategy behind her apparent attempts to avoid being recognized (Sunglasses! Crafty!) to the campaign implications of Hillary carrying her own tray, no salsa packet has been left unturned in the public's insatiable need to talk about something other than bikini bodies for a few minutes.

Some might say the Web should calm down—after all, it's only lunch! But moms tend to disagree; every mother ends up feeling scrutinized at restaurants at some point or another, and whether it's because you're a presidential candidate or because your toddler is having a Level Five meltdown over french fries, nobody likes to be the center of attention while they're trying to eat. Who wouldn't love a little anonymity the next time they go out?

Anyway, it's lucky most moms aren't famous enough to warrant 874 Google search results when we stop to grab some fast food, because I can imagine what the headlines would be.

funny list of headlines from every mom's trip to a restaurant by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV


  • Mother Spends Entire Meal Hissing at Child to 'Get Up Off That Filthy Floor'
  • Child, Age 6, Too Busy Coloring Menu to Select Entree
  • Local Eatery Believes Five Napkins Fulfills Mom's Request For "A LOT of Napkins"
  • Distressed Mother Reports, 'If I'd known they were going to order nuggets, we'd have just stayed home'
  • Disaster Befalls Teen Seen Eating With Parents by Peers
  • The Intense Planning Behind Lunch Involving Squirming Toddler, Revealed!
  • EXCLUSIVE: Mom Describes Casual Dining as "Expensive Opportunity to Cut Child's Food Up in New and Exciting Location"
  • Study Shows Booth Seat-Kicking Is Leading Cause of Mothers' Restaurant Apologies
  • Attempts to Strap Baby Into Horrible Wooden Restaurant High Chair Becomes 3-Hour Ordeal
  • Informal Poll Names 'Anywhere But Home' as Best Place For Child to Discover the Joy of Blowing Milk Bubbles
  • WATCH As Mom Fails to Convince Child That Restaurant's Mac and Cheese Is Not Like the Kind at Home
  • Parents, Embarrassed But Starving, Able to Consume Food Only While Toddler Converses With Strangers at Next Table
  • Lidless Cup Given To Toddler Results In Literally Everyone, Everywhere Getting Drenched
  • Mom and Dad Suddenly Remember Why They Don't Do This More Often


photo credit: Camera smile! via photopin (license)

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


How Pinterest-Perfect Are YOUR Kids' Parties?


Whether you go all out or keep things pretty basic when birthdays roll around at home, it's impossible to ignore the trend—kids' parties are getting increasingly elaborate these days.

As a mom whose idea of decorating a cake involves sprinkling powdered sugar in the shape of the birthday child's age, resulting in THIS cake-tastrophe when he blew out the candles, you can probably guess where I stand.


To each her own, though, right? Hopefully we can all agree that there's no right or wrong way to show our kids we care, so while not everyone has the knack (or time or money or desire) to make each year's birthday a bash to remember for the ages, lots of moms are loving the chance to create lavish celebrations for their kids' big days.

While Inspiration boards abound with fodder for Pinterest Moms to plan their parties, "Regular Moms" roll differently. We prefer the "retro" birthdays of our youths—birthdays from a simpler time, a gentler time, a time when planning a kid's party took roughly the amount of effort required to whip up a boxed cake mix. Here's a side-by-side glimpse into the lives of a Pinterest Mom and a Regular Mom:

Theme

Pinterest Mom: Decide on an age-appropriate theme tied to child's current interests or favorite TV show.

Regular Mom: Look in the pantry for leftover party supplies; convince yourself that your tween son would love the same Butterfly Bonanza paper plates you used for your 7-year-old daughter's last birthday.

Guest List

Pinterest Mom: Send calligraphy-laden invitations to everyone in the child's class and their entire soccer team.

Regular Mom: Text an invitation to the moms of the three friends you actually like.

See more funny comparisons on momdotme in Birthday Parties: Pinterest Mom vs. Regular Mom, and tell me—which mom are YOU?

Kids' Birthday Parties: Pinterest Mom vs. Regular Mom by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV




I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


How To Have a Happy Marriage in 9 Easy Steps

Oh, come on now, you've done it too.

You're surfing around the Web, minding your own business, and a link catches your eye. You quickly glance around to make sure no one's looking—you don't want to give anyone the wrong idea or anything—and when you're sure you have some privacy, you click. Hey, it's not as if you don't have a happy home life! But curiosity gets the best of you...

No, people, I'm not talking about p-horn. Shame on you for even thinking that. I'm talking about marital advice!

I consider myself extremely happily married, but that doesn't mean I won't check out the articles that occasionally drift through my Facebook feed offering advice on maintaining a well-balanced, satisfying relationship. After all, there's no reason you shouldn't try to improve on a good thing, right?

I've seen a ton of those posts lately though, and I have to say I'm usually a bit disappointed when I click through. Google it for yourself and you'll see, most of the articles you find repeat the same tired old obvious marital platitudes: "make time to be together," "remember to make time for yourself," "keep the romance alive," and so on and so on.

These are all great ideas, but they're also the kind of intuitive tips that most 14-year-olds with some common sense could probably come up with. So stop over at momdotme to see what I (a self-proclaimed expert... with a 14-year-old's sense of humor) have to say when it comes to realistic advice for having a happy marriage!

9 Realistic Tips for a Happy Marriage article by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


The Biggest News Ever Plus Even Bigger News Than That

First of all, before I get a call from my mom about that post title: no, I'm not pregnant.

This news is WAY bigger than that.

Do you remember when I had an essay in that awesome book, I Just Want To Pee Alone? Of course you do. Well, my esteemed co-authors and I recently found out that our anthology made it onto a little something called the New York Times bestseller list.

Yes, you heard me.

THE. NEW. YORK. TIMES. BEST. SELLER. LIST.

Sorry about the all-caps, but although I haven't read the official handbook, I'm pretty sure NY Times bestselling-types are required to scream about it when they make the announcement. So, you know, I'm just trying to follow the rules.

Not only are we thrilled beyond belief about the first book's success (which we owe all to you, the lovely people who bought it and told your friends and made it some kind of capital-B-Big capital-D-Deal), but the timing couldn't be more perfect because as you may have heard...

I Still Just Want To Pee Alone is being released today!


Let's let Amazon talk for a second while I recover from my case of the vapors.
Don't miss the third book in this bestselling series! Motherhood is STILL the toughest – and STILL the funniest – job you'll ever love. We know that raising kids is hard work. The pay sucks, your boss is a tyrant, and the working conditions are pitiful – TGIF means nothing to a mother! You said it before and you're saying it again, “I STILL just want to pee alone!” I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone is another collection of hilarious and heartwarming essays from 40 more of the most kick ass mom bloggers on the web. Find essays like:
It's Not Pee. It's You.
Open Letter to My Daughter: My Mother was Right and You Should Think I Am, Too
And Then God Laughed
Flames, Knives, and Fear: A Family Dinner
Let's Piss Off the Babies
If the idea of reading funny and heartwarming tales about motherhood (each short enough that you might actually get to finish a whole story that doesn't feature a cartoon or talking animal as the main character) doesn't appeal to you, consider this: checking out my essay in I Still Just Want To Pee Alone is pretty much the only way for you to find out how I spend my time when all my kids are out of the house. Well, unless you'd rather come over and peek in my windows, but I'd advise against that since I have pretty thick privacy curtains and also a tendency to use my mad ninja-karate skills on random lurkers.


So, in conclusion:

  1. You guys are awesome. Thank you for all your support!
  2. I am not just saying that to butter you up, but seriously...
  3. GO GET A COPY OF I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE in paperback, for your Kindle, on iTunes, or at Barnes&Noble!
Ahem. But mostly that first thing, for sure.

Note: You can see all my adventures in real-life paper print writing on my cleverly-titled Buy My Books page!


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!


Parental Paybacks - April Fools' Pranks to Pull on Your Kids

If you've had children long enough for them to walk and talk, I'm willing to bet they've been around long enough to prank you. Oh, they might not have called it a prank - they might have even claimed it was an accident - but trust me, you've been pranked.

Haven't they done some ridiculous things? Snuck a rubber snake into your purse to scare you? Told you they got straight F's on their report card in the hopes of freaking you out? Lost a tooth and claimed they swallowed it? Touched you with a suspiciously wet hand and said they forgot to wash up after a trip to the bathroom?

I thought so.

You need revenge.

10 April Fools' Pranks to pull on your kids by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not advocating doing anything mean. Or dangerous. Or Child-Protective-Servicey. I'm talking about good, old fashioned kid-friendly jokes. Pranks that are quick and easy to set up, too, because if you're like me you'll forget until about 11 p.m. on March 31st.

And just in case you're still not sure, I've even included some pros and cons so you'll be prepared for the best (and worst) case scenarios! Like this one:

Super Soaker
Put rubber bands around the handle of your sink sprayer nozzle so it's automatically in spray mode. Make sure it's pointing out, and the next person to turn on the faucet gets doused!

PRO: Spraying water everywhere might end up getting a few nearby kitchen surfaces clean-ish.

CON: Good luck getting your kids to ever wash their hands again.

See? Foolproof fooling at its finest. No joke, get your clicker over to momdotme where I've collected and pro/conned the best April Fools' cons to pull on your kids - then stop back by and let me know how it went!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!