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Tuesday, April 22, 2014

6 Lazy Ways To Celebrate Earth Day

I absolutely love the Earth - it is, without question, probably one of my very favorite planets. It's at least in the top five, for sure.

That's why I completely support the tradition of celebrating Earth Day, the one day each year when a small portion of the population acknowledges that we're destroying the environment at a rate that will likely result in the extinction of our species with the next 45 minutes if we don't make some kind of annual token effort to be less wasteful and oil-spilly.

Hooray!

6 lazy ways to celebrate Earth Day by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV


"But wait," I thought to myself, for the purposes of this article. "I strongly oppose the Earth filling up with our noxious garbage, and would like to avoid that happening until my children's children have had a chance to colonize Mars, or until they've evolved to the point where they're immune to noxious garbage and it becomes our primary weapon against invading aliens. What I'm saying is, I want to help, but I'm lazy. So, so very lazy. What can I do?"

Well, I'll tell you what you can do - you can very nearly singlehandedly save the Earth with almost zero effort, just by doing one of these six things.

  1. Conserve water by not shaving your legs or doing laundry.
  2. Reduce carbon monoxide emissions by vowing not to drive your kids to Chuck E Cheese's. (Or anywhere else. But especially not to Chuck E Cheese's.)
  3. Save energy by serving cereal for dinner instead of cooking.
  4. Preserve valuable space in the landfills by refusing to clean out the basement - EVER!
  5. Recycle junk mail by mailing all your Best Buy "Earth Day Sale" fliers to Bank of America in the postage-paid return envelopes they keep enclosing with all those valuable credit card offers you don't want.
  6. Plant one of whatever kind of tree Nutella comes from. Better make that two.
See, without even trying you can earn the respect of your peers by claiming to be environmentally conscious for 24 hours or so, in honor of Earth Day. Don't you think our planet deserves it? (You might as well say yes, because this isn't the kind of holiday you can just gloss over with a hastily signed card and some chocolate. Believe me, I checked.)


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


Friday, April 18, 2014

Spring Cleaning and Easter Laughs

6 quick laughs about spring by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV



Well, this oughtta put a spring in your step! (Hahahahahaha, see what I did there? Okay, I apologize.)

The weather is warming up, and that means several things:

  1. Your kids will probably be outside more, so when you're not out there chasing them with the hose or serving trays of lemonade and cookies (because OF COURSE WE ALL DO THAT), you might have a little extra time to amuse yourself!
  2. 'Tis the season for spring cleaning, which is barely tolerable so wouldn't it be nice if we could laugh about it?
  3. If you know any females, chances are pretty good that one of them has procreated and, as a result, it's almost guaranteed that some woman you know is going to invite you to a baby shower this spring. If you're like me, sometimes it can be hard to remain socially acceptable throughout the entire party. Oh, and finally,
  4. PEEPS.
That's why I've assembled this collection of funny Easter-crafting-Peeps-baby shower-spring cleaning stuff I've written over the last few weeks. (It's also a way to prove to you that I HAVE actually been writing stuff, even if I've been neglecting my little slice of Internet home right here at HTV lately.) I hope you enjoy, get some good giggles, and then maybe, if you're so inclined, I hope you get to go outside and enjoy some sunshine. Or just enjoy the warm night air with a beer after the kids have gone to bed - that's always good, too.









I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


Monday, April 14, 2014

20 Productive Ways to Spend 20 Minutes While Oil Pulling

20 productive ways to spend 20 minutes while oil pulling by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV


In case you hadn't heard, oil pulling is the popular practice of swishing oil (coconut oil seems to be the favorite) around in your mouth daily, in exchange for stuff like strange looks from your family members and various health benefits.

One of the main complaints you hear about oil pulling - besides "GROSS!" - is that you're supposed to do it for 20 minutes. That's a long time to swizzle oil around in your mouth! If you've never tried it, this is what it's like:

your thoughts while oil pulling - a timeline by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

You can see how the minutes would really start to drag, plus it's not a very efficient use of time - unless you multitask, which is why I'm here to help (sort of)! Here are 20 suggestions for productive things you can do to make those 20 minutes fly by.

  1. Answer the question, "Mommy, what's in your mouth?" 500 times, without opening your mouth.
  2. Vacuum glitter out of your daughter's backpack.
  3. Write an angry letter to CBS about the series finale of How I Met Your Mother.
  4. Answer the question, "Mommy, can I have some of what you're eating?" 500 times with the what-do-you-think? look.
  5. Remove the purple Hello Kitty nail polish your toddler used to give you a manicure yesterday.
  6. Turn 8,000 pairs of clean socks right-side-out.
  7. Answer the question, "Mommy, since you're busy, can I give the cat a bath?" with vigorous head shaking.
  8. Wonder if you just swallowed a bunch of oil.
  9. Search through your purse for a tissue that doesn't have gum wadded up in it.
  10. Clean behind the toilet - you're going to be gagging anyway, so you might as well do it now.
  11. Get rid of all the empty boxes of cereal someone put back into the cabinet.
  12. Daydream about a shirtless Zac Efron.
  13. Fold some of the laundry that's hanging off your treadmill.
  14. Delete Groupon emails (c'mon, let's face it - you're never going skydiving).
  15. Try not to think about all the toxins that, if this is really working, are currently swirling around in your mouth.
  16. Reconsider oil pulling completely.
  17. Google, "ways to get the benefits of oil pulling without actually oil pulling anymore, ever."
  18. Shop online for brown shirts to make your teeth look whiter, in case oil pulling doesn't really work.
  19. Check Pinterest for some low-fat, gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free recipes that'll use up the rest of this stupid coconut oil.
  20. Notice that, eventually, everyone was so grossed out by what you were doing that they left you alone. Decide that oil pulling is the best. thing. ever.
And this is why people keep doing it. Sure, it's kinda nasty. Sure, it makes you dry heave. Sure, it makes you wish the coconut would go extinct. But even though people say their headaches go away and their teeth are whiter and after a few weeks their urges to light their jar of coconut oil on fire and hurl it into the street while gagging into the kitchen sink subside, we know the real reason people keep it up.

The solitude.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Vaccines No Parent Could Resist

I know there's a ton of uproar about vaccines lately - Will they protect my child from disease, people wonder, Or is my child's pediatrician an agent of Big Pharma hell-bent on infecting the world with somethingsomething pox, perhaps?

Well, I'll leave that debate up to the experts (a.k.a. the Internet). In the meantime, though, I think we can all agree that these vaccines would be tough to turn down at our kids' next checkup.

SuperGlueacel: Hinders child’s tendency to practice t-ball near the china cabinet

Excuse-Imune: Inhibits child from developing reasons not to do homework

BadSeedia: Blocks the growth of friendships with biters, hair-pullers and name-callers

Riskomune: Provides resistance to dangerous urges to skateboard without a helmet or taste electrical outlets

RealTempnar: Protects child from ridiculous inclination to wear shorts when it’s still 30 degrees outside

Veggievax: Suppresses child’s imaginary allergy to healthy food

Love those? OF COURSE YOU DO! So talk to your doctor or pharmacist or somebody science-y, and let's make this happen! But first, check out Vaccines All Moms Can Agree On on NickMom, where I made up even more imaginary drugs I want my kids to take!



Also, did you notice I made myself a handy-dandy new drop-down menu up at the top of the ol' blog? One of the links leads to a splash page with my favorite NickMom posts - all in one colorful, convenient location! Go on, give it a click!

Also also, if you want a more mature person's view about the vaccine debate, I highly recommend reading this on Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms - very sensible, indeed.


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


Thursday, April 3, 2014

March Madness madness

If you live in the midwest, or probably anyplace else in the basketball-loving world, you might've heard of a little something called March Madness.

March Madness refers to the mouth-foaming insanity surrounding the NCAA basketball championship, when hoops fans watch game after sneaker-squeaking game with the same rabid intensity that normal people reserve for frantically urging beloved family members to Run faster! during the zombie apocalypse.

Part of the madness, as you already gathered if you're familiar with calendars, is that the fervor spills from March into April and isn't scheduled to calm down until after the Championship Game is over and people have stopped lamenting how sucky their brackets were (so, like, June).

"Brackets," or "charts of sporty sadness" as they are also known, are the tools fans use to track who they predict will win each game as the playing field narrows from 32 teams, down to the Sweet Sixteen, then the Elite Eight, the Final Four, and finally the Terrible Twos. Based on what I've learned during my lifetime in the Basketball Belt of America, no one in the history of EVER has been happy with their brackets by the time the Championship is decided. I imagine it's really hard to pick the winner, probably due to stuff like point spreads, injury time outs, hideous uniforms, and "upsets" (which I believe is Latin for "Hey, we didn't know that team was better than that other team").

You can tell I know a lot about it; that's because my husband is one of the rabid fans, and I mostly listen to a lot of the things he tells me about college basketball, right up until my eyes glaze over and I start thinking about frappuccinos. He'll be quick to tell you he hasn't watched an entire game so far in this series (note: kids can be a real time suck), but that hasn't stopped him from exhibiting many of the signs of NCAA mania. As the basketball season grinds slowly and painfully to a close, I decided to put some of the more prevalent symptoms of March Madness madness into a bracket of my own.



Now I'm really starting to feel the excitement! The smart money is on the incessant phone checking for the win - but now that I have my own bracket to babysit, I'll probably be a lot more sympathetic. If all goes well, at least one of us will make it through the next few days without a busted bracket, and we might even have some beer and cheeseballs left over for football season - when my own sports insanity really gets a chance to shine.


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.