Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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The Biggest News Ever Plus Even Bigger News Than That

First of all, before I get a call from my mom about that post title: no, I'm not pregnant.

This news is WAY bigger than that.

Do you remember when I had an essay in that awesome book, I Just Want To Pee Alone? Of course you do. Well, my esteemed co-authors and I recently found out that our anthology made it onto a little something called the New York Times bestseller list.

Yes, you heard me.


Sorry about the all-caps, but although I haven't read the official handbook, I'm pretty sure NY Times bestselling-types are required to scream about it when they make the announcement. So, you know, I'm just trying to follow the rules.

Not only are we thrilled beyond belief about the first book's success (which we owe all to you, the lovely people who bought it and told your friends and made it some kind of capital-B-Big capital-D-Deal), but the timing couldn't be more perfect because as you may have heard...

I Still Just Want To Pee Alone is being released today!

Let's let Amazon talk for a second while I recover from my case of the vapors.
Don't miss the third book in this bestselling series! Motherhood is STILL the toughest – and STILL the funniest – job you'll ever love. We know that raising kids is hard work. The pay sucks, your boss is a tyrant, and the working conditions are pitiful – TGIF means nothing to a mother! You said it before and you're saying it again, “I STILL just want to pee alone!” I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone is another collection of hilarious and heartwarming essays from 40 more of the most kick ass mom bloggers on the web. Find essays like:
It's Not Pee. It's You.
Open Letter to My Daughter: My Mother was Right and You Should Think I Am, Too
And Then God Laughed
Flames, Knives, and Fear: A Family Dinner
Let's Piss Off the Babies
If the idea of reading funny and heartwarming tales about motherhood (each short enough that you might actually get to finish a whole story that doesn't feature a cartoon or talking animal as the main character) doesn't appeal to you, consider this: checking out my essay in I Still Just Want To Pee Alone is pretty much the only way for you to find out how I spend my time when all my kids are out of the house. Well, unless you'd rather come over and peek in my windows, but I'd advise against that since I have pretty thick privacy curtains and also a tendency to use my mad ninja-karate skills on random lurkers.

So, in conclusion:

  1. You guys are awesome. Thank you for all your support!
  2. I am not just saying that to butter you up, but seriously...
  3. GO GET A COPY OF I STILL JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE in paperback, for your Kindle, on iTunes, or at Barnes&Noble!
Ahem. But mostly that first thing, for sure.

Note: You can see all my adventures in real-life paper print writing on my cleverly-titled Buy My Books page!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

Parental Paybacks - April Fools' Pranks to Pull on Your Kids

If you've had children long enough for them to walk and talk, I'm willing to bet they've been around long enough to prank you. Oh, they might not have called it a prank - they might have even claimed it was an accident - but trust me, you've been pranked.

Haven't they done some ridiculous things? Snuck a rubber snake into your purse to scare you? Told you they got straight F's on their report card in the hopes of freaking you out? Lost a tooth and claimed they swallowed it? Touched you with a suspiciously wet hand and said they forgot to wash up after a trip to the bathroom?

I thought so.

You need revenge.

10 April Fools' Pranks to pull on your kids by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not advocating doing anything mean. Or dangerous. Or Child-Protective-Servicey. I'm talking about good, old fashioned kid-friendly jokes. Pranks that are quick and easy to set up, too, because if you're like me you'll forget until about 11 p.m. on March 31st.

And just in case you're still not sure, I've even included some pros and cons so you'll be prepared for the best (and worst) case scenarios! Like this one:

Super Soaker
Put rubber bands around the handle of your sink sprayer nozzle so it's automatically in spray mode. Make sure it's pointing out, and the next person to turn on the faucet gets doused!

PRO: Spraying water everywhere might end up getting a few nearby kitchen surfaces clean-ish.

CON: Good luck getting your kids to ever wash their hands again.

See? Foolproof fooling at its finest. No joke, get your clicker over to momdotme where I've collected and pro/conned the best April Fools' cons to pull on your kids - then stop back by and let me know how it went!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

Top 5 Health and Fitness Fads For 2015

I saw an article the other day - and I am being 100 percent serious here - that said maple syrup is the new athletic superfuel. I eat maple syrup all the time and I'm no athlete, although technically the article didn't specify what effect the giant pile of waffles underneath my syrup might have.

Anyway, I thought kale, quinoa, acai berrries, and other foods with a Scrabble score over 126 were the "superfoods" we're supposed to blend into smoothies or rub onto our cuticles or whatever. Are those still trending? Are we still oil pulling? Is Zumba still a thing? Hot yoga?!? I can't keep up anymore.

Can we all just agree that the health and fitness fad craze has gotten completely out of control?

The Internet is full of articles detailing the latest trends in health and fitness; I'm getting worn out just reading them, and I haven't even started exercising or slathering rainforest extracts onto my hair yet! If you've somehow missed the updates though, and you thought the macrobiotic diets and Master Cleanses of 2014 were wild, you're in for a healthy, heaping dose of what-the-hell-is-going-on-here.

Over on momdotme I'm throwing my hat in the ring as the next Internet crazy person to create a health fad sensation! These tips and tricks and exercise routines sound just as fancy as ear candling and detox diets, except these ACTUALLY WORK. Guaranteed! Check out the top 5 crazy health fads I'd like to see in 2015 - and I'll see you in the syrup aisle.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

14 Signs of Kids' Winter Insanity

With the first snow each winter, you'll hear lots of people comment about how other adults have lost their minds.

"Wow, looks like everybody forgot how to drive on the white stuff again this year!"

"You're late to work because of a little snow?"

"First dusting of the year—OF COURSE they canceled school!"

But you know who else loses their minds each winter and keeps losing their minds, all winter long?


14 Ridiculous Things Kids Do When It Snows

Join me on momdotme so we can commiserate/laugh at 14 Ridiculous Things Kids Do When It Snows. Then please, for the love of all that's holy, CAN SPRING PLEASE GET HERE ALREADY?!?

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

My Best Friend Was My Bully

Let's talk about bullying for just a minute, can we?

When we think of bullies, most of us picture the classic tough guy stealing lunch money and giving wedgies. Sometimes we picture that girl we knew who smoked before class and harassed people in the locker room after gym.

We rarely picture our best friends.

I was surprised to learn recently just how common it is for people to be bullied by someone they consider a close friend; I thought I was the only one.

I don't know if Jenny and Melissa* tried to make eye contact as they slid into the seat in front of me on the school bus that day; I was too afraid to look up.

I sat nervously, trying not to fidget, trying to fold into myself until I disappeared. I wondered why they'd sit near me after so many months, but a few minutes later I got my answer in the form of a note dropped over the back of the seat into my lap.

Scrawled in Jenny's familiar, bubbly script it said, "If we apologized right now, would you forgive us?"

The three of us had grown up in the same neighborhood and were inseparable as far back as any of us could remember. We shared rides to the mall, swam in Jenny's above-ground pool, snuck into abandoned barns in search of adventure and trick-or-treated together on Halloween long after we were probably a few years too old.

We were best friends.

Until we weren't.

One day they simply decided I wasn't one of them anymore. I started finding cruel notes in my locker, heard whispered threats over the phone at 3 a.m. There was ugly name-calling in school hallways, gruff shoving at the bus stop. There was the knowledge that all the secrets I'd ever told my closest friends could be made public in the lunchroom at any moment.

Looking at their note, I wanted to be angry. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to finally stand up for myself, to echo the words my mom had used in her attempts to comfort me—that I didn't need them, that people who treated me this way were never really my friends to begin with. I wanted to laugh or cry or run away or tell them to f*** off.

But mostly I just wanted it to be over.

Can you guess how I responded to the note? What would YOU have done? Please let me know on momdotme, where I'm talking about what happens when your best friend is your bully.

article on bullying by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

*Not their real names.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!