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Monday, April 14, 2014

20 Productive Ways to Spend 20 Minutes While Oil Pulling

20 productive ways to spend 20 minutes while oil pulling by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV


In case you hadn't heard, oil pulling is the popular practice of swishing oil (coconut oil seems to be the favorite) around in your mouth daily, in exchange for stuff like strange looks from your family members and various health benefits.

One of the main complaints you hear about oil pulling - besides "GROSS!" - is that you're supposed to do it for 20 minutes. That's a long time to swizzle oil around in your mouth! If you've never tried it, this is what it's like:

your thoughts while oil pulling - a timeline by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

You can see how the minutes would really start to drag, plus it's not a very efficient use of time - unless you multitask, which is why I'm here to help (sort of)! Here are 20 suggestions for productive things you can do to make those 20 minutes fly by.

  1. Answer the question, "Mommy, what's in your mouth?" 500 times, without opening your mouth.
  2. Vacuum glitter out of your daughter's backpack.
  3. Write an angry letter to CBS about the series finale of How I Met Your Mother.
  4. Answer the question, "Mommy, can I have some of what you're eating?" 500 times with the what-do-you-think? look.
  5. Remove the purple Hello Kitty nail polish your toddler used to give you a manicure yesterday.
  6. Turn 8,000 pairs of clean socks right-side-out.
  7. Answer the question, "Mommy, since you're busy, can I give the cat a bath?" with vigorous head shaking.
  8. Wonder if you just swallowed a bunch of oil.
  9. Search through your purse for a tissue that doesn't have gum wadded up in it.
  10. Clean behind the toilet - you're going to be gagging anyway, so you might as well do it now.
  11. Get rid of all the empty boxes of cereal someone put back into the cabinet.
  12. Daydream about a shirtless Zac Efron.
  13. Fold some of the laundry that's hanging off your treadmill.
  14. Delete Groupon emails (c'mon, let's face it - you're never going skydiving).
  15. Try not to think about all the toxins that, if this is really working, are currently swirling around in your mouth.
  16. Reconsider oil pulling completely.
  17. Google, "ways to get the benefits of oil pulling without actually oil pulling anymore, ever."
  18. Shop online for brown shirts to make your teeth look whiter, in case oil pulling doesn't really work.
  19. Check Pinterest for some low-fat, gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free recipes that'll use up the rest of this stupid coconut oil.
  20. Notice that, eventually, everyone was so grossed out by what you were doing that they left you alone. Decide that oil pulling is the best. thing. ever.
And this is why people keep doing it. Sure, it's kinda nasty. Sure, it makes you dry heave into the kitchen sink. Sure, it makes you wish the coconut would go extinct. But even though people say their headaches go away and their teeth are whiter and after a few weeks their urges to light their jar of coconut oil on fire and hurl it into the street while gagging into the kitchen sink subside, we know the real reason people keep it up.

The solitude.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Vaccines No Parent Could Resist

I know there's a ton of uproar about vaccines lately - Will they protect my child from disease, people wonder, Or is my child's pediatrician an agent of Big Pharma hell-bent on infecting the world with somethingsomething pox, perhaps?

Well, I'll leave that debate up to the experts (a.k.a. the Internet). In the meantime, though, I think we can all agree that these vaccines would be tough to turn down at our kids' next checkup.

SuperGlueacel: Hinders child’s tendency to practice t-ball near the china cabinet

Excuse-Imune: Inhibits child from developing reasons not to do homework

BadSeedia: Blocks the growth of friendships with biters, hair-pullers and name-callers

Riskomune: Provides resistance to dangerous urges to skateboard without a helmet or taste electrical outlets

RealTempnar: Protects child from ridiculous inclination to wear shorts when it’s still 30 degrees outside

Veggievax: Suppresses child’s imaginary allergy to healthy food

Love those? OF COURSE YOU DO! So talk to your doctor or pharmacist or somebody science-y, and let's make this happen! But first, check out Vaccines All Moms Can Agree On on NickMom, where I made up even more imaginary drugs I want my kids to take!



Also, did you notice I made myself a handy-dandy new drop-down menu up at the top of the ol' blog? One of the links leads to a splash page with my favorite NickMom posts - all in one colorful, convenient location! Go on, give it a click!

Also also, if you want a more mature person's view about the vaccine debate, I highly recommend reading this on Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms - very sensible, indeed.


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


Thursday, April 3, 2014

March Madness madness

If you live in the midwest, or probably anyplace else in the basketball-loving world, you might've heard of a little something called March Madness.

March Madness refers to the mouth-foaming insanity surrounding the NCAA basketball championship, when hoops fans watch game after sneaker-squeaking game with the same rabid intensity that normal people reserve for frantically urging beloved family members to Run faster! during the zombie apocalypse.

Part of the madness, as you already gathered if you're familiar with calendars, is that the fervor spills from March into April and isn't scheduled to calm down until after the Championship Game is over and people have stopped lamenting how sucky their brackets were (so, like, June).

"Brackets," or "charts of sporty sadness" as they are also known, are the tools fans use to track who they predict will win each game as the playing field narrows from 32 teams, down to the Sweet Sixteen, then the Elite Eight, the Final Four, and finally the Terrible Twos. Based on what I've learned during my lifetime in the Basketball Belt of America, no one in the history of EVER has been happy with their brackets by the time the Championship is decided. I imagine it's really hard to pick the winner, probably due to stuff like point spreads, injury time outs, hideous uniforms, and "upsets" (which I believe is Latin for "Hey, we didn't know that team was better than that other team").

You can tell I know a lot about it; that's because my husband is one of the rabid fans, and I mostly listen to a lot of the things he tells me about college basketball, right up until my eyes glaze over and I start thinking about frappuccinos. He'll be quick to tell you he hasn't watched an entire game so far in this series (note: kids can be a real time suck), but that hasn't stopped him from exhibiting many of the signs of NCAA mania. As the basketball season grinds slowly and painfully to a close, I decided to put some of the more prevalent symptoms of March Madness madness into a bracket of my own.



Now I'm really starting to feel the excitement! The smart money is on the incessant phone checking for the win - but now that I have my own bracket to babysit, I'll probably be a lot more sympathetic. If all goes well, at least one of us will make it through the next few days without a busted bracket, and we might even have some beer and cheeseballs left over for football season - when my own sports insanity really gets a chance to shine.


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April Fool's Jokes That Moms Wish Were True

Some April Fool's pranks are funny, and some are sort of mean - and then some others are just plain disappointing because they aren't real.

April Fool's jokes that moms wish were true by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV




I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.


Monday, March 31, 2014

We Thought You'd Never Ask - remote control control

You've arrived just in time for the latest installment of We Thought You'd Never Ask, the sarcasm-laced series in which my husband and I debate various burning questions sent in by readers like YOU! If you have an issue or need some advice, leave your question in the comments or send me an email at hollowtreeventures {at} gmail {dot} com. And now, time for the show!


 photo WTYNAaboutremotecontrolbyRobynWellingRobynHTV_zps6dd09687.jpg



Let’s set the scene: you’re home on the couch, cuddled up next to your spouse. The kids are asleep. It’s time to zone out have quality time together in front of the TV. Now tell me this - which one of you is holding the remote?

THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.

I’m guessing this is a marital issue many of us face, so I did an impromptu, completely unbiased poll (of women), and discovered an astonishing statistic: 100% of men hog the remote. That hardly seems fair, does it? So, what do we do about it? Kelley of Kelley’s Break Room wants to know, and so do I!

Robyn: I regret to report that this imbalance occurs in my own home as well, so I decided to use the WTYNA forum to propose a solution - Remote Control Custody Agreements. My favorite programs aren’t any more boring or insipid than my husband's are, so I hereby formally request to have control of the remote at least every other weekend and alternating holidays. I’m willing to be flexible in certain circumstances (during March Madness, for example), as long as the gesture is returned (like during House Hunters marathons).

Stay tuned, ladies - if this goes well, I’ll draft a legal-ish document you can have the authorities serve to your own husbands!

Gerry: Bzzt. That’s a BZZT, as in The Family Feud strike noise, amplified. Speaking of amplified, have you ever noticed how commercials seem so much louder (because they are) than the actual programming you’ve sort of half tuned in to sort of half watch? Yes you have. Because you are a consistent offender in the “doesn’t use remote responsibly” category of remote control offenses - specifically the “oops, I forgot (again) to mute and/or fast forward through the godforsaken advertisements.” The one exception to this rule: The Super Bowl. You may have complete non-remote control of the remote control just as soon as you’ve progressed from amateur remote slinger to full-fledged professional. That means you will no longer be able to compete in the Remote Olympics, but that’s okay, because no one watches those anyway.

Robyn: True, I do always forget to mute the commercials, but that’s because you’ve tuned the TV to something dumb on ESPN that I wasn’t watching anyway. Newsflash: it’s hard to differentiate between the program and the ads when it ALL sounds like one long, overly loud Charlie-Brown-teacher-esque lecture droning endlessly on, and my eyes have glazed over due to my C-SPAN-induced catatonia.

I guess I’ll have to continue my attempts to remotely control the remote via my existing intricate system, per the following chart, which I do not plan on showing to my husband prior to publishing this post.

 photo ladiesguidetocontrollingtheremote_zps2450f7fa.jpg


Gerry: I don’t even know how to respond to that because, 1) I can’t see the chart you’re referring to. 2) I don’t watch C-SPAN. 3) It occurs to me that the only reason people don’t watch the Remote Olympics is because the man is hogging the remote. You're welcome.


You heard that, ladies! In lieu of a Custody Agreement, just print this out and present it to your spouse as proof that we know that they know that we know they know they hog the remote!

Then, just go back to using that chart up there because, chances are, he still isn't going to share.

Next time, we'll talk about a topic sent in by Kathy of Kissing the Frog: bad habits - what they are (probably stuff your husband does), who decides which habits are bad (you, most likely) and how to handle bad habits in front of the kids. And don't forget to send in your own questions, so Gerry and I can solve all your problems (or just make things worse)!


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely. I get extra-pathetic when I'm lonely.