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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Honest Advertising Slogans For Moms

'Tis the season to go shopping, fa la lalala lala lala!

Well, that's not really what the season is for, but YOU'D NEVER KNOW IT based on the number of commercials, slogans and taglines bombarding us constantly, especially this time of year. The very least these stores could do is be honest, so we'd know what to really expect at all the places we'll stop, in person or online, during our holiday shopping travels.



Toys R Us: It's an all-toy Costco, without the low prices!

Game Stop: The store that makes you wish your kids still only wanted stuff from Toys R Us.

Target: Come for the everything, stay for the Starbucks.

Wal-Mart: What, Target didn't have what you were looking for?

Lowes: Your disguising-a-chore-as-a-gift headquarters!

Kohl's: Come in to use up your $10 Kohl's Cash, spend $50 to earn $10 in Kohl's Cash.

Bed, Bath and Beyond: The "that thing your SIL wants" store.

Best Buy: When you're out of other ideas, get a gigantic TV!

Apple Store: A big wallet suck for your biggest time suck.

And then there's always...

The Mall: Where there's something for everyone! Too bad you can't afford any of it.
Yankee Candle: For when you care enough to say, "Here's a candle."
Claire's: Yes, we still have the same scrunchies we stocked when you were 12!
Victoria's Secret: He says it's for you, but we all know who it's really for.
Things Remembered: Your #1 source for last-minute engraved pen sets!
Jared: The "I'm just looking" store.
Forever 21: The fastest way to feel twice your age.
Hickory Farms: Nothing says "Happy holidays!" like mall kiosk sausage.
Sephora: Because if you're doing all the holiday shopping, you deserve a little something.
J.C. Penney: We're so much more than polyester pants now! (We're also pleated polyester pants.)
Radio Shack: Batteries! And probably some other stuff.
The Food Court: Because at the mall, a giant pretzel counts as lunch.


So, where will you be shopping this season - and what should their slogan have been?

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


Hilarious Horoscopes For Toddlers

As a parent, do you ever feel like the stars are aligned against you?

If it makes you feel better, maybe SOMETIMES THEY ARE.

Okay, that's unlikely to make you feel better, but still - wouldn't it be nice if there were some way we could take a peek into the future, check the forces that are driving our wee ones' lunatic behavior and be just a little bit prepared?

Okay, we're unlikely to ever be prepared, so maybe let's just laugh instead and pretend like these toddler horoscopes are for real - because really, they might as well be.


Aries: You'll need to be extra persistent with your repetitions of "why" today - Mom's patience is in the irritated house of Because I Said So.

Cancer: A stubborn ascendant in your third house of Mischievousness means this isn't a good time for change; resist potty training, making new friends at playdates, and sampling slightly unfamiliar foods.

Sagittarius: Using your words might not be such a bad idea, after all! Screaming "MINE!" is likely to produce desirable results when you attempt to resolve an upcoming ownership dispute.

See more of what the future of every toddler (and, by extension, every parent) holds over on momdotme in my latest article, Horoscopes For Toddlers!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


Types of Rules You Never Had Before Kids

Before I had children, if you had tried to warn me that one day I'd not only have to tell them to pick up their shoes, but that half the time they wouldn't even be able to find their shoes, and the rest of the time I'd have to remind them things like, "Yes, as a matter of fact you DO need to wear shoes, so PUT ON YOUR SHOES" 837 times in a row, and that I could ditto that for coats/sunscreen/toothbrushes/and about 4 billion other things, I would have laughed in your face and possibly pitied your meager existence.

Now, however, I'm a mom. And as such, I've not only experienced all that firsthand, but I've had to establish actual house rules to keep the unbelievably ridiculous kid-related chaos to a minimum. I'll bet you have, too!

4 FUNNY Types of Rules You Never Had Before Kids article by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV




The obvious.
No dancing in the bathtub.
Real knives are not toys.
You can't take off your clothes at the grocery store.
Don't hang from the curtains - they're not vines, I don't care what kind of jungle adventure game you're playing.
NO CUTTING EACH OTHERS' HAIR!!!



The gross.
Please remember to flush when company's coming over.
The wall by your bed is not to be used as a Kleenex.
No lifting Mommy's shirt in public to demonstrate how jiggly her belly is.
We don't ever want to touch the cat there. Now go wash your hands.



The ridiculous.
Don't put pennies down your pants.
There is never a good reason to poke someone in the eye.
No launching your toys using Mommy's bra as a slingshot.
If you're going to have a screaming contest, take it outside.



The did-I-really-just-say-that?
Keep your butt off the table.
We don't smack each other with bologna.
Underwear is not a hat.
No ice cream before breakfast - what do you think this is, Grandma's house?!?


What about you? Please tell me I'm not the only one inventing new rules on the daily that, a few short years ago, I'd have thought were absolutely insane!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


Kim Kardashian's Butt Has Nothing On Mine

I'm assuming most people on the planet have now been subjected, against their will most likely, to the recent images of Kim Kardashian on Paper Magazine in her attempt to #breaktheinternet.

kkcover1(rgb)watermark.jpg
Source: Paper / Jean-Paul Goude

Naturally that one isn't the image that's making headlines, but I'm sure as heck not posting Kimye's bare buns (or bare anything else) on my blog. I like to keep it clean around here.

I also like to keep it real, though, which is why I made this spoof.


I'll take coffee and maternity jeans over champagne and sequins any day.

And no, I'm not wearing maternity jeans for THAT reason. I just like to keep them around for birth control insurance, since I know I'll get pregnant the second I give them away. I also like to keep them around in case I need a ridiculous photo of myself in maternity pants. Obviously. Don't act like you don't have a Parody Photography wardrobe in a pile at the bottom of your closet, too! Oh, just me? Well, now, this is awkward.

Special thanks and photo credit to the incredibly patient and ever-hilarious
Nicole Leigh Shaw, Writer. The mad Photoshopped coffee skillz are mine and are going straight on my resume.

UPDATE: Also, thanks to the Today Show website for featuring me and my elastic-panel pants on their front page in this fab article!

ANOTHER UPDATE!?! For my other mom-centric (safe-for-work) spoofs of Kimye's pics and a BRILLIANT parody of the KK interview, check out Robyn Welling Will Never Break the Internet by my hilarious friend, Ilana of Mommy Shorts!


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


Thanksgiving Kids' Tables - the root of all evil, probably

In case you're unaware, children of large families traditionally spend Thanksgiving dinner at a rickety card table in the living room eating off an old stained tablecloth, because the Big Table is suddenly crammed with distant aunts and uncles and grandparents (and mothers who want to spend one stinking meal per year cutting up their own food while it's still warm without their much-needed glass of wine getting knocked over). This is known as the Kids' Table.

You'd think chaos would reign among the children at the kids' table with no parental supervision, but it's often surprisingly civil — leading moms to suspect that it's during Thanksgiving dinner when many of their kids' most devious holiday plots are hatched. So, if your kids seem a little too quiet at the big holiday dinner this year, maybe it's because they're having conversations like the ones I've imagined over on momdotme, in Thanksgiving Conversations Moms Imagine Happen at the Kids' Table. If you like holiday humor that's about as dry as my turkey, I think you're gonna want to dig in.

Hilarious Thanksgiving conversations moms imagine happen at the Kids' Table by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV




I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.