Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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When I started this blog, one of the things I wanted do convey to the world is that I really, really, really can't stand certain stuff.

Mission accomplished. I think you get the point.

As part of my Unleash The Peeve campaign, I dedicated a whole blog page to the rich and varied list of pet peeves with which I am afflicted. However, after just four peeves I started writing whole posts about them instead (you can click here to see my rantiest pet peeve posts) and the page sort of got abandoned.

Since I skipped spring cleaning, and because at this point cleaning up my real-life house would be too much work, I'm tidying up the old blog instead. So here's the stuff from my Peeve-O-Rama page, because I just knew you'd want to see this one last time before I delete that page forevaaahhhhhhh!


I just want to issue a reminder to everyone out there that the word "literally" means actually, without exaggeration. In real life. With complete accuracy. You can't tell me you were so embarrassed that you "literally died," unless you're giving me this info from beyond the grave. Something upsetting can't be "literally tearing you apart," unless the thing that's upsetting you is a wild Bengal tiger in your living room.

This Peeve Brought to You By...

I'm sick of everything being sponsored; you can't watch four seconds of a football game without something being "brought to you by" someone else. Here's a typical excerpt from the commentary during a game:
Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Frito Lay Taco Chip Bowl. Frito Lay - now with more zesty salsa flavor! We hope you enjoyed the Radio Shack Halftime Report, but now it's time to rejoin the action here at Exxon Mobil Stadium. Exxon Mobil - now bringing you 35% fewer ecological disasters! It looks like the Toyota Texas Tomcats are on the 20 yard line, their first trip to the red zone so far in this game... this evening's red zone is brought to us by J.P. Morgan Chase. J.P. Morgan Chase, keeping you in the red for over 200 years! Aerial coverage for tonight's game is provided by the Weight Watchers Blimp.
I'm just saying, it gets old. Unless, of course, someone wants to sponsor my blog and make me filthy rich, in which case I think sponsorship is awesome.

Zip It

Many thanks to my mom for reminding me of one that I'd nearly forgotten about, due to the fact that I hate going in public and therefore rarely purchase anything I can't order online. So this one is: I can't stand it when I've gone out to a store, agonized over my purchases until I know I have just enough time left in the Countdown To Baby Screaming hourglass to get through the line and out to the car without causing a scene, and...

You're going to say, "And someone in front of you writes a check," and you're right, except I didn't think of it until just now. Look, I get embarrassed when I can't scrape together $1.27 in cash to cover my chewing gum purchases, but I'll still pay for it with my debit card before I'd write a check. I'm not even sure I remember how to write out a check to a store, but it wouldn't matter, because since I became an adult my wallet has become so crammed with expired credit cards, membership cards to clubs I don't remember joining, business cards from people I don't remember meeting, and used-up gift cards that the only way I could get my photo ID out would be to butter it up with Crisco and pry it out with a crow bar. And nobody wants to wait in line behind me while I do that.

What I was going to say was the clerk, after ringing up my purchases, demands to know my zip code. Why? Is the price different for someone who lives one zip code over? If I accidentally overpay, are you going to drive all over my zip code area, looking for me so you can return my change? I doubt it, but I give it to them anyway, which is what annoys me most of all. Gerry keeps encouraging me to tell them to buzz off, but in the end I'm just too much of a goody-two-shoes to refuse. Sigh.


The misuse and overuse of quotation marks irks me. For example, in a recent promo flier for a local fair, residents were urged to participate thusly:
3:30 p.m. Apple Pie "Eating" Contest
Wouldn't that imply they're only figuratively eating the pies? If you're not literally eating pies, I'd like to know what you ARE doing with them before I sign up. The only thing more worrisome than the questionable "eating" of pies is that it appears to follow a lip sync contest. Are we still doing those?

Okay, thanks for letting me purge all that. I feel better. And now that the blog's all cleaned up, maybe I will clean my real house. Or else I'll have a snack - for some reason I'm sort of hungry for Frito Lay taco chips. And apple pie.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

It's a Good Thing Kids Aren't Embarrassing...

Remember back before you had kids, how you'd get uncomfortable when people talked about things like mucous plugs, or get embarrassed if someone barged into the bathroom while your pants were down?

HAHAHAHA, that's adorable.

Parents know there's little room for personal space or standards of decency - at least not once those kids come along. To really see how your tolerance for embarrassment has changed, check out Your Modesty: Before and After Kids on momdotme for all-too-true comparisons like...

Before Kids: Public restrooms are a convenient spot to pee.

After Kids: Public restrooms are a convenient spot for your toddler to loudly ask why your butt is so jiggly.

Before Kids: Tampons are kept hidden discreetly in your purse.

After Kids: Your kids use tampons for sword fighting. At the dinner table. When you're out at a restaurant.

OH, DON'T ACT LIKE IT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU!!! See more stuff that once was humiliating, and now is just a typical Tuesday, here!

article about your modesty before and after kids by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

Regrettable Parenting Choices

I consider myself a pretty good mom.

On some days.

On other days, I feel like I've made some... questionable parenting decisions.

And occasionally, I'm 100% completely convinced that there's absolutely no chance my children will escape my house without me completely ruining their lives and possibly turning them into dangerous criminals.

After any one of these types of days, I might end up in bed at night staring at the ceiling, reviewing all the choices I'd made and counting my many, many regrets.

Here's what I try to remind myself in those moments, and what I hope you will remember too if those doubts ever creep into your mind:

Your regrets are never ANYTHING like your kids' regrets.

Don't believe me? Still think you're messing up? Stop by momdotme, where I've compiled a funny list of your regrets versus your children's regrets. Because you're doing great - especially compared to those shameless kids!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

The Best Workout For Moms

Article about the best workout for moms by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

I know I should probably get about 4,372 percent more exercise than I do, but here's the problem - I'm tired.

I mean, I'm also lazy, but let's not focus on that and pretend like the real reason I'm slacking off in the workout department is that I'm just plain exhausted.

One day, however, as I sat on the couch contemplating this sad reality while eating a tube of Rolos, a question occurred to me: If it's true that I'm not getting any exercise, then WHY AM I THIS TIRED AND ACHY?!?

I know, sleep deprivation probably plays into the fatigue, and advancing age probably has something to do with why my body feels like a punching bag, but there's also another (far less likely but much more attractive) possibility - I am getting a bunch of exercise!

That's because the best workout for moms is the one we're already doing.

A while back I realized that I'm actually doing yoga for moms without even trying, and now over on momdotme I'm exploring the fact that moms are also already getting more cardio than they might think. Get ready to cross off all your New Year's Resolutions and treat yourself to a celebratory smoothie (or banana split, whatever) when you see this realistic workout routine for moms!

A realistic workout routine for moms by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!

New Year's Resolutions the Smart and Lazy Way!

I'm going to come right out and fully admit that I suck at keeping New Year's Resolutions.

What I really excel at, though, is making New Year's Resolutions that I don't HAVE to keep, which is how I uncovered the secrets to making realistic resolutions. Or maybe I mean "realistic" resolutions. Whatever.

In any case, I've gone one better this year.

Everyone focuses on improving themselves in the new year, but let's face it - wouldn't your life be improved a lot more quickly and easily if certain other people in your life made some changes instead?

So this year, rather than make a bunch of promises about my own behavior that everyone knows I'm just going to break and/or forget about by the second week of January, I'm going to make some resolutions for other people. That way, when 2015 rolls around and none of these people do what I told them to do - and as a result absolutely nothing about my life changes in any way - it isn't my fault! Same results I always get from resolutions, but without the guilt!


If you want to hop on board, I have some ideas for great resolutions - and who needs to make them - over on momdotme with New Year's Resolutions For Other People! Check them out, and then let me know who you think should promise to make your life better in the new year!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing!