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Hollow Tree Ventures parenting humor
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Types of Rules You Never Had Before Kids

Before I had children, if you had tried to warn me that one day I'd not only have to tell them to pick up their shoes, but that half the time they wouldn't even be able to find their shoes, and the rest of the time I'd have to remind them things like, "Yes, as a matter of fact you DO need to wear shoes, so PUT ON YOUR SHOES" 837 times in a row, and that I could ditto that for coats/sunscreen/toothbrushes/and about 4 billion other things, I would have laughed in your face and possibly pitied your meager existence.

Now, however, I'm a mom. And as such, I've not only experienced all that firsthand, but I've had to establish actual house rules to keep the unbelievably ridiculous kid-related chaos to a minimum. I'll bet you have, too!

4 FUNNY Types of Rules You Never Had Before Kids article by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV




The obvious.
No dancing in the bathtub.
Real knives are not toys.
You can't take off your clothes at the grocery store.
Don't hang from the curtains - they're not vines, I don't care what kind of jungle adventure game you're playing.
NO CUTTING EACH OTHERS' HAIR!!!



The gross.
Please remember to flush when company's coming over.
The wall by your bed is not to be used as a Kleenex.
No lifting Mommy's shirt in public to demonstrate how jiggly her belly is.
We don't ever want to touch the cat there. Now go wash your hands.



The ridiculous.
Don't put pennies down your pants.
There is never a good reason to poke someone in the eye.
No launching your toys using Mommy's bra as a slingshot.
If you're going to have a screaming contest, take it outside.



The did-I-really-just-say-that?
Keep your butt off the table.
We don't smack each other with bologna.
Underwear is not a hat.
No ice cream before breakfast - what do you think this is, Grandma's house?!?


What about you? Please tell me I'm not the only one inventing new rules on the daily that, a few short years ago, I'd have thought were absolutely insane!

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


Kim Kardashian's Butt Has Nothing On Mine

I'm assuming most people on the planet have now been subjected, against their will most likely, to the recent images of Kim Kardashian on Paper Magazine in her attempt to #breaktheinternet.

kkcover1(rgb)watermark.jpg
Source: Paper / Jean-Paul Goude

Naturally that one isn't the image that's making headlines, but I'm sure as heck not posting Kimye's bare buns (or bare anything else) on my blog. I like to keep it clean around here.

I also like to keep it real, though, which is why I made this spoof.


I'll take coffee and maternity jeans over champagne and sequins any day.

And no, I'm not wearing maternity jeans for THAT reason. I just like to keep them around for birth control insurance, since I know I'll get pregnant the second I give them away. I also like to keep them around in case I need a ridiculous photo of myself in maternity pants. Obviously. Don't act like you don't have a Parody Photography wardrobe in a pile at the bottom of your closet, too! Oh, just me? Well, now, this is awkward.

Special thanks and photo credit to the incredibly patient and ever-hilarious
Nicole Leigh Shaw, Writer. The mad Photoshopped coffee skillz are mine and are going straight on my resume.

UPDATE: Also, thanks to the Today Show website for featuring me and my elastic-panel pants on their front page in this fab article!

ANOTHER UPDATE!?! For my other mom-centric (safe-for-work) spoofs of Kimye's pics and a BRILLIANT parody of the KK interview, check out Robyn Welling Will Never Break the Internet by my hilarious friend, Ilana of Mommy Shorts!


I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


Thanksgiving Kids' Tables - the root of all evil, probably

In case you're unaware, children of large families traditionally spend Thanksgiving dinner at a rickety card table in the living room eating off an old stained tablecloth, because the Big Table is suddenly crammed with distant aunts and uncles and grandparents (and mothers who want to spend one stinking meal per year cutting up their own food while it's still warm without their much-needed glass of wine getting knocked over). This is known as the Kids' Table.

You'd think chaos would reign among the children at the kids' table with no parental supervision, but it's often surprisingly civil — leading moms to suspect that it's during Thanksgiving dinner when many of their kids' most devious holiday plots are hatched. So, if your kids seem a little too quiet at the big holiday dinner this year, maybe it's because they're having conversations like the ones I've imagined over on momdotme, in Thanksgiving Conversations Moms Imagine Happen at the Kids' Table. If you like holiday humor that's about as dry as my turkey, I think you're gonna want to dig in.

Hilarious Thanksgiving conversations moms imagine happen at the Kids' Table by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV




I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


If Twitter Existed In History

I loves me some Twitter. (<--- That's a super-subtle link to my Twitter account. Did you catch that? You could stop over and say hi or something! If you wanted to, or whatever...) Aaaanyway, a long while back, I saw a hashtag trending over there: #IfTwitterExistedInHistory.

People were hopping in with their take on what kind of tweets you might see if Twitter existed way-back-when.

It was funny.







Then, because I'm a nerd, I started thinking about what women in history might actually tweet.

But then, I forgot about it.

But then I remembered again, and I made myself giggle while mocking up some fake tweets, like this one:

If Twitter Existed In History, Women Edition article by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV - Cleopatra tweet


And then, I put a bunch of them over on momdotme, in an article called If Twitter Existed In History - Women Edition. So please, if you enjoy Twitter and/or history and/or nerdy jokes and/or women, pop over and take a peek - and tell me, what historical tweets would YOU like to see???

If Twitter Existed In History, Women Edition article by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV




I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.


Unfortunate Occasions When Toddlers Will Always Pick Their Noses

Maybe you don't spend much time around small children. Or maybe your oldest child is still a baby and you haven't yet witnessed him doing something really disgusting that wasn't involuntary. Or maybe your kids are grown, and you've completely blocked out their nose-picking phase.

In any case, I hate to be the bearer of bad news if you didn't already know this, but toddlers pick their noses at really unfortunate times.

I don't mean to imply that there's a really great time for toddlers to pick their noses, but let's face it - it's going to happen, and there are certain times when it's more gross, less convenient and more aggravating than usual. Such as...

21 times when kids will always pick their noses by Robyn Welling @RobynHTV

  1. In group photos
  2. While using a touch-screen device
  3. While sharing a touch-screen device with you
  4. Formal occasions
  5. Really, any time they're dressed up
  6. At a playdate with a new friend
  7. At a playdate with a new friend whose mom you're trying to impress
  8. When you see it happening across the library but it's too late to stop them and you can't yell because it's the library
  9. When they're (FINALLY) sharing their toys (FOR ONCE)
  10. Immediately after washing their hands
  11. Immediately before offering you a handful of Goldfish
  12. During an introduction to your new boss
  13. When there's nowhere to wipe their fingers off
  14. When that makes you the only place to wipe their fingers off
  15. Right before a meal
  16. Right in the middle of a meal
  17. In the car, when you can see them wiping it on their car seat but they just pretend like they can't hear you telling them to stop
  18. During a lecture about nose picking
  19. In bed
  20. Secretly in bed, so you don't find out about it until it's time to change the sheets
  21. While they're ignoring the fact that you're currently in the process of trying to hand them a tissue
Luckily, the nose-picking phase doesn't last forever.

Well, that's a lie - for some people it does last forever. So then, I guess the good news is that, if your child ends up being a forever-nose-picker, at least you won't always be the one he uses as a tissue.

Probably.

I hope you enjoyed yourself while you were here - and I hope you come back! Please share inappropriate giggles with me on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook, or subscribe via email so you don't miss a thing - and so I don't get all lonely.