I'm Lazy Because I Care

I know, usually you guys can barely even stand the sheer volume of awesome content I churn out in a typical week, but I decided to give you a break these last few weeks by being a total slacker. YOU'RE WELCOME. Usually I hate being lazy, but I'd do anything for you. *clasps hands and bats eyelashes*

However, I couldn't resist writing a few things in hopes of vastly improving your daily lives. For example...

I created a brand-new calorie counter to make dieting easier, more realistic, and slightly more hilarious.

I fixed game night by inventing a tolerable board game.

I reminded you why laundry is pointless in the latest episode of As The Dollhouse Turns, which has already become one of my most-viewed posts ever! Whaaaaat?

Over at CraftFail, I shared the most unfortunate lampshade makeover in the history of electricity.

That amount of laziness took up most of my time, but to be completely honest, I haven't just  been slacking. I've also been eating Rice Krispie treats and doing some blog design work. (What?!? You didn't know I offered blog design and other services???) As a matter of fact, my friend Kelley at Kelley's Break Room is going to do a giveaway of my graphic design services worth $50 very soon, so keep your eyes open for more details!

But wait, lookie, here - I made it into Huffington Post's Best Parenting Tweets today! Because apparently, though I can't write much, I can write things that are under 140 characters.

And now, I'll send you off to enjoy the rest of your weekend with these other tweets that made me laugh:

Where are the straws do you have my charger can we have a snack is my friend coming what time is it do we have batteries why are you crying
— Jeni M (@highlyirritable) May 18, 2013

I just can't bring myself to correct my 3 yo when he asks me to "blow the window down" in the car.
— Raising Wild Things (@rsngwildthings) May 24, 2013

I'm not good at traditional karaoke but I can throw down some "Backpack" by Dora the Explorer.
— The Next Martha (@TheNextMartha) May 11, 2013

Asked my husband how my butt looks in these new jeans and now I need to know the most environmentally friendly way to bury a body.
— Jennifer(@runawaycupcake) May 25, 2013

I assume the dirt my kids dragged into my kitchen is part of an exchange program with the torn bag of pretzels they left in the backyard.
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) May 24, 2013

in case you don't like getting peed on

You might guess that, as the parent of a toddler who is neither potty trained nor willing to sleep in her own dang bed,* my concern level regarding getting peed on at night ranges from Moderate to STOP PEEING ON ME AT NIGHT! That's why I was pretty stoked to get an opportunity to be a part of this sponsored campaign from Parent's Choice Overnight Baby Diapers. "You're saying there's a chance I won't wake up and immediately have to change the sheets and bathe everything within the Splash Zone? I'm in."

*If you're my pediatrician, then I'm totally joking. We don't co-sleep. I wouldn't dream of it. Our daughter sleeps in her own bed, in her own room. Her room isn't even in our house. She sleeps in a different county.

Monopoly for Moms

I believe you're well aware of how I feel about family game night - SuperFun family togetherness!

In theory.

In reality, it's often a never-ending Whine Fest. Sometimes I'm not even the only one whining.

In terms of family game night suckage, it's widely agreed that Monopoly is the worst game ever invented - easily twice as bad as Old Maid and lawn darts combined, which at least would have some potential to be entertaining. In the history of family game night, only three entire games of Monopoly have been seen through to their 15-hour marathon completion, and in zero of those cases did anyone care one iota about who won by the time it was over.

Pro tip: When deep in the throes of Monopoly, you can often end the agony by paying fellow players all your money just to take your properties off your hands, if you have any, which I usually don't.

But I have a theory - maybe if they made the game more relatable, I'd be able to tolerate it a little better. I probably still couldn't stand it long enough to finish a whole game, but maybe at least long enough to get all the way around the table once so everyone gets a turn before I swipe all the Scotty dogs and top hats onto the floor in a dramatic hissy fit and declare, "Screw this! Game over."

My family might be spared that scene if, while my pewter shoe tapped its way around the board, I knew I might land on some of these new properties. Instead of arbitrary rent amounts at places I've never been, these familiar locations would make any mom feel right at home.

And let's not forget those Chance and Community Chest cards. Paying everyone $50 because I got elected Chairman of the Board? Getting out of jail free? Bank error in my favor? I don't even know what those things are. Most moms would feel a little more connected to the game with cards like these:

See? Much better. I'd almost be willing to play this version of Monopoly... as long as I don't have to be the thimble.

As The Dollhouse Turns: Laundry Day

Episode 21:

Sunny looks up from the computer, where she's been hard at work all afternoon paying bills and updating her 401k investment plan.

What?  Oh all right, she's been blogging.

Okay, fine, she's been on Facebook. Sheesh. In any case, she notices that some of the household chores have been slightly neglected. Like the laundry, for example.

Dammit.

Which reminds her, she meant to whip up a batch of that organic, hypoallergenic, inexpensive DIY laundry detergent that Maggie told her about. She hops onto Pinterest really quick to find the recipe.

Three hours later...

Dammit!

She sets about collecting the dirty clothes. Although there are laundry baskets conveniently located directly adjacent to every single square inch in the house where someone might take their clothes off, the laundry seems to be everywhere besides the baskets.

Grrr... dammit.

Sunny yells the fiftieth Last Warning to the girls. "I'm doing laundry! If there's something you need to have clean, you'd better bring it to me NOW!"

"I can get this all in one trip, no problem."

Sunny starts to sort the heaps of clothes into lights, darks, delicates, towels, things that should be dry cleaned but won't be, things that should be pre-treated but won't be, and random junk that falls out of the kids' pockets. Halfway through, she has a better idea.

New rule: If it fits into the washer, it's a load.

Why won't these fit? Oh, there's the problem - the washer's already full with a damp, mildewed load she forgot to move to the dryer last week.

Just as she starts the machine, reasoning that a blend of cold/hot laundry should do just fine averaged out into a single warm wash, Charmeuse walks in.

"Hey Mom, can you wash this jersey for me? I have a game in 20 minutes and this is my only uniform."

Sunny determines this is an important Teaching Moment - it's high time Charmeuse learned to be considerate and to plan ahead!

Then she remembers why Charmeuse only has one uniform - Sunny ruined the others one time when she got the fabric softener confused with the gel bleach. So she changes her mind and determines that instead, this is an important Teaching Moment about how to freshen laundry up with a spritz of Febreze and a quick tumble in the dryer.

"It's just like clean, without the hassle of cleaning!"

Crisis averted, Sunny irons some of Buzz's shirts. Unfortunately, she's a little out of practice.

DAMMIT!

Oh well, she'll just fold it up and put it on the bottom of his stack of shirts in the closet - he'll never notice.

"Uh-oh, looks like I'm running low on salmon-colored cardigans..."

Finally, an entire cycle of laundry is finished - well, sort of. She still has to fold the clothes, including the unwieldy fitted sheets, the kids' inside-out pants, and her prized collection of matching white towels that may or may not have fallen into her suitcase the last time she was traveling.

Don't judge! There were no mints on the pillows -
that hotel owed  me some towels.

That's a lot of work, but Sunny's relieved the folding is all done.

Bing!

What? The dryer was still running?!? How many more towels are there to fold?

"Next time, I'll stick to just stealing the shampoo."

Whew! Now  she's finished.

Almost.

She suddenly realizes she forgot to put detergent in one of the loads - but does she really feel like tracking down all the clothes she just folded and put away so she can rewash them? That's a solid "probably not." For now, she's just going to relax, rest her eyes, and enjoy the fact that - for the time being, anyway - the laundry is almost completely sort of clean.

Ahhh...

Seconds later, Sunny opens her eyes to a most unwelcome surprise.

DAMMIT!!!

I'd feel sorry for Sunny, if I could see her over this pile of laundry.

Thanks for joining us for another episode of As The Dollhouse Turns! You can see previous episodes here, and be sure to check out more dollhouse fun on the As The Dollhouse Turns Facebook page!

a calorie counter for moms

I've come to terms with the fact that I lack the motivation and will power required to successfully diet.

However, as the numbers on my bathroom scale continue to edge upwards, to the point I've started getting them confused with the national debt of Bolivia,* I decided at the very least I would keep track of what I'm shoveling into my pie hole on a daily basis. My plan? To discover one highly-caloric item that I don't even really like, which I could subsequently cut from my grocery list and, as a result, effortlessly lose enough weight that people won't call the Humane Society when I try to wear a swimsuit this summer.

*Assuming Bolivia has a national debt - I don't know. I'm not interested in researching global economy unless I can work it into a boob joke.

Of course it didn't work that way. The first day, I entered all the foods I ate into my iPhone app and it became clear there was NOTHING I could reasonably eliminate from my menu, despite the fact that I was approximately 8 skidillion calories over my allotted daily budget.

Eventually it got easier, and now I've dropped about five pounds! I don't feel or look any different though, so the logical assumption is that my will to live must've weighed five pounds, because it's the only thing I know I've lost for sure. That's just Science, people.

Yet I soldier on, because I love a challenge and also I miss pants with non-elastic waistbands. However, I've found that locating foods in the app's inventory and calculating the quantity is next to impossible - because no, I don't know how many teaspoons of sunflower seeds were on the salad I just ate. I wasn't counting them, you stupid phone, I was eating.  Duh. Why must you make this so difficult? Huh? WHY? I hate you!

I'm sorry phone, I don't mean that. That was the hunger talking.

Anyway, these apps seem to be designed for people who know the difference between Asian pears and Bartlett pears, who plan meals in advance, using scales and calipers to measure their portions, and that just doesn't fit the busy lifestyle of a mom, nor the lazy lifestyle of this lazy mom. So I decided what I need, besides a Twinkie, is an updated list of foods, in more realistic quantities. Forget ounces and tablespoons and 500 different kinds of lettuce - to make this whole non-diet diet easier to manage, here's what I want to be able to search for:

I think that's a good start! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to update my calorie-counting app. You get credit for exercise, and I feel certain that typing this blog post burned off enough calories for me to inhale a few more Oreos.