As The Dollhouse Turns: Laundry Day

Episode 21:

Sunny looks up from the computer, where she's been hard at work all afternoon paying bills and updating her 401k investment plan.

What?  Oh all right, she's been blogging.

Okay, fine, she's been on Facebook. Sheesh. In any case, she notices that some of the household chores have been slightly neglected. Like the laundry, for example.

Dammit.

Which reminds her, she meant to whip up a batch of that organic, hypoallergenic, inexpensive DIY laundry detergent that Maggie told her about. She hops onto Pinterest really quick to find the recipe.

Three hours later...

Dammit!

She sets about collecting the dirty clothes. Although there are laundry baskets conveniently located directly adjacent to every single square inch in the house where someone might take their clothes off, the laundry seems to be everywhere besides the baskets.

Grrr... dammit.

Sunny yells the fiftieth Last Warning to the girls. "I'm doing laundry! If there's something you need to have clean, you'd better bring it to me NOW!"

"I can get this all in one trip, no problem."

Sunny starts to sort the heaps of clothes into lights, darks, delicates, towels, things that should be dry cleaned but won't be, things that should be pre-treated but won't be, and random junk that falls out of the kids' pockets. Halfway through, she has a better idea.

New rule: If it fits into the washer, it's a load.

Why won't these fit? Oh, there's the problem - the washer's already full with a damp, mildewed load she forgot to move to the dryer last week.

Just as she starts the machine, reasoning that a blend of cold/hot laundry should do just fine averaged out into a single warm wash, Charmeuse walks in.

"Hey Mom, can you wash this jersey for me? I have a game in 20 minutes and this is my only uniform."

Sunny determines this is an important Teaching Moment - it's high time Charmeuse learned to be considerate and to plan ahead!

Then she remembers why Charmeuse only has one uniform - Sunny ruined the others one time when she got the fabric softener confused with the gel bleach. So she changes her mind and determines that instead, this is an important Teaching Moment about how to freshen laundry up with a spritz of Febreze and a quick tumble in the dryer.

"It's just like clean, without the hassle of cleaning!"

Crisis averted, Sunny irons some of Buzz's shirts. Unfortunately, she's a little out of practice.

DAMMIT!

Oh well, she'll just fold it up and put it on the bottom of his stack of shirts in the closet - he'll never notice.

"Uh-oh, looks like I'm running low on salmon-colored cardigans..."

Finally, an entire cycle of laundry is finished - well, sort of. She still has to fold the clothes, including the unwieldy fitted sheets, the kids' inside-out pants, and her prized collection of matching white towels that may or may not have fallen into her suitcase the last time she was traveling.

Don't judge! There were no mints on the pillows -
that hotel owed  me some towels.

That's a lot of work, but Sunny's relieved the folding is all done.

Bing!

What? The dryer was still running?!? How many more towels are there to fold?

"Next time, I'll stick to just stealing the shampoo."

Whew! Now  she's finished.

Almost.

She suddenly realizes she forgot to put detergent in one of the loads - but does she really feel like tracking down all the clothes she just folded and put away so she can rewash them? That's a solid "probably not." For now, she's just going to relax, rest her eyes, and enjoy the fact that - for the time being, anyway - the laundry is almost completely sort of clean.

Ahhh...

Seconds later, Sunny opens her eyes to a most unwelcome surprise.

DAMMIT!!!

I'd feel sorry for Sunny, if I could see her over this pile of laundry.

Thanks for joining us for another episode of As The Dollhouse Turns! You can see previous episodes here, and be sure to check out more dollhouse fun on the As The Dollhouse Turns Facebook page!

a calorie counter for moms

I've come to terms with the fact that I lack the motivation and will power required to successfully diet.

However, as the numbers on my bathroom scale continue to edge upwards, to the point I've started getting them confused with the national debt of Bolivia,* I decided at the very least I would keep track of what I'm shoveling into my pie hole on a daily basis. My plan? To discover one highly-caloric item that I don't even really like, which I could subsequently cut from my grocery list and, as a result, effortlessly lose enough weight that people won't call the Humane Society when I try to wear a swimsuit this summer.

*Assuming Bolivia has a national debt - I don't know. I'm not interested in researching global economy unless I can work it into a boob joke.

Of course it didn't work that way. The first day, I entered all the foods I ate into my iPhone app and it became clear there was NOTHING I could reasonably eliminate from my menu, despite the fact that I was approximately 8 skidillion calories over my allotted daily budget.

Eventually it got easier, and now I've dropped about five pounds! I don't feel or look any different though, so the logical assumption is that my will to live must've weighed five pounds, because it's the only thing I know I've lost for sure. That's just Science, people.

Yet I soldier on, because I love a challenge and also I miss pants with non-elastic waistbands. However, I've found that locating foods in the app's inventory and calculating the quantity is next to impossible - because no, I don't know how many teaspoons of sunflower seeds were on the salad I just ate. I wasn't counting them, you stupid phone, I was eating.  Duh. Why must you make this so difficult? Huh? WHY? I hate you!

I'm sorry phone, I don't mean that. That was the hunger talking.

Anyway, these apps seem to be designed for people who know the difference between Asian pears and Bartlett pears, who plan meals in advance, using scales and calipers to measure their portions, and that just doesn't fit the busy lifestyle of a mom, nor the lazy lifestyle of this lazy mom. So I decided what I need, besides a Twinkie, is an updated list of foods, in more realistic quantities. Forget ounces and tablespoons and 500 different kinds of lettuce - to make this whole non-diet diet easier to manage, here's what I want to be able to search for:

I think that's a good start! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to update my calorie-counting app. You get credit for exercise, and I feel certain that typing this blog post burned off enough calories for me to inhale a few more Oreos.

Mother's Day wrapping

Okay, I know we're all busy getting ready for Mother's Day - clearing off space atop our dressers for a new 64-ounce bottle of eau de Dollar Store parfum, hiding the waffle iron to prevent a breakfast-in-bed related ER visit, and applying extra moisturizer to our necks in anticipation of macaroni necklace chafing. So I'll make this quick, and full of stuff for moms - stuff you'll actually like. Maybe you won't like it as much as a hug from your kids, but I think you'll enjoy it more than one of those glitter-encrusted books of coupons that nobody ever honors anyway.

All you mamas deserve to have the best Mother's Day ever! But in case you don't... no matter how far Mother's Day falls short of your already meager expectations, keep things in perspective with these reminders:

At least you aren't hosting a nightmarish kid's birthday party like the one on As The Dollhouse Turns this week (though happily, you can now be a part of their plastic neighborhood by checking out their brand-new As The Dollhouse Turns Facebook page!). 

And keep in mind, you probably didn't a gift as bad as this ridiculous best worst Mother's Day gift I got for my mom when I was 13.

To keep the Mother's Day pep in your step, get a good laugh at a bunch of Mother's Day cards like this one. Then you can share 'em on social media to give your friends a giggle AND help moms in need!

I have your Mom's Day covered on CraftFail too, with advice about how to keep your kids occupied with slime - then send them into the kitchen to make you a treat, and see if they can do better than these Nutella cookie and chocolate cupcake fails.

After that, you'll probably have to clean the kitchen (let's face it - asking the kids to do it will only make a bigger mess). If you haven't already, check out my advice for getting rid of food odors on Home Made Simple. Likewise, you'll be the one to wash the chocolate batter out of their clothes, so make it easier with these laundry room improvements. Then you can finally calm down, think happy thoughts, and cheer yourself up with these stress-busting tips I wrote on P&G Everyday.

From other mamas around the webz...

Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva puts us in touch with the minds of our kids by listing these 10 easy steps to being a toddler.

Your kids aren't toddlers anymore, you say? Katrina Willis (with whom I happened to share the Listen To Your Mother stage last week in Indianapolis) is a mother of older kids and shares her funny but true hopes for parenting's second half.

If you just need a few minutes away from your children, no matter what their ages, lock yourself in the bathroom and read the cover of this Real Moms magazine by Let Me Start By Saying - and wish it was actually a real magazine.

Still not feeling better? Raising Wild Things explains you might be suffering from Post-Kid Stress Disorder - her 20 question quiz will get you diagnosed and  make you wish you'd written it yourself (yes, it's that  spot-on).

That's all, folks! Brace yourselves for Mother's Day - I'll see you back here next week, when we'll either be rested and relaxed, or we'll just be glad it's over.

The best worst Mother's Day gift

My mom is the best mom in the whole world, but you'd never know it based on the Mother's Day gifts I've given her through the years.

Oh, she'll claim she adores all the homemade presents, the brag books, the carefully stapled-together stacks of lumpy artwork I've fished out of the bottom of the kids' backpacks. "Robyn, I love it," she always says, even if what I've handed her is a lump of cold spaghetti wrapped in an old phone bill.

But there was one Mother's Day gift that I don't think either of us will ever forget.

It was 1989. I was 13 years old, on the cusp of my snooty, whiny, selfish teenage years - an era that continues to this very day. A new mall (A MALL!!!) had opened downtown in the city where I grew up, so naturally my friends and I had to check it out.

We wandered through little stores and boutiques, giggled inappropriately at the novelty shops, touched everything, purchased nothing. I was looking for the perfect Mother's Day gift, but nothing seemed quite right. Did Mom want the new Debbie Gibson single? No, not really her style. Did she need an engraved pen and pencil set? No, too expensive - let's not forget I need to save money for an Orange Julius. What about an acid-washed denim jacket in my size? No, too selfish, even for me.

It was almost time for our parents to pick us up, and I was running out of time. My friends and I were crossing the food court, Orange Juliuses (Julii?) in hand, when I saw it. The perfect gift.  Right next to the escalators stood a kiosk offering made-to-order, personalized wooden trinkets. And the price fit right into my budget: super cheap.

I quickly perused the options, and settled on a key chain - because what mother doesn't LOVE driving?!? Now, the important question was what to have the nice gentleman carve. I watched as he deftly ran blocks of wood through his scroll saw, cutting away the outlines of words and names and simple shapes. My first instinct was to send my mom a sweet message. "Make it say 'I love Mom,'" I told the gentleman.

But then I pictured my mom carrying her new key chain around, pulling the large chunk of wood from her purse like a kindergartner's restroom hall pass. "I love Mom" wouldn't make any sense, I suddenly realized! Would people think she was talking about her own mother? Would they think she was declaring her love for herself?

"Wait!" I said to the mall kiosk carpenter. "I changed my mind."

And what do you think I had him carve?

Now that's better.

I don't have a photo of the real key chain - this was well before the days when every moment of family life was captured on film - but I think you get the gist from this artist's rendering. Besides, what I really wish I had a picture of is the look on her face. The key chain might have been cheap, but the expression on her face when I gave it to her, and the sound of her laughing every single time she saw it?

Priceless.

I wrote this all-too-true story for Mother's Day Your Way, a contest looking for great Mother's Day gifts under $25.

Mother's Day cards for the Real World

I used to work for a greeting card company, so I can tell you with some authority that most greeting cards are full of crap (figuratively speaking, of course). I'm mainly talking about the sappy ones, the ones that spout goofy sentiments we would never say out loud in real life in a million years. And yet, on birthdays and anniversaries, we're perfectly willing to plunk down $4.50 and sign our names underneath whatever garbage is typed inside, as if our husband really believes that we consider his heart to be "a beauteous, rare and fragile gift," just because the card has "Darling" scrawled across the front in gold glitter.

This is especially true of Mother's Day cards. Unless your kids actually speak in verse and regularly use words like "wondrous" to describe you, pretty much every store-bought card you've ever received is a bunch of hooey.

Don't think so? Just grab any Mother's Day card you find on the street, or tucked behind empty envelopes in the Uncle's Birthday - Humorous section of your local greeting card aisle, and look inside. Every single one contains a phrase like, "letting you know you're loved so very much throughout the year," to which, pardon my French, I call bullshit. If I'm so wondrous and beloved throughout the year, why is it that the day after Mother's Day I can 100% count on nobody listening to a damn word I say?

Well, our friends at Rants from Mommyland and Naughty Betty have found a way to fix all that. They've created some awesome Mother's Day cards for the real world - ones that'll make us laugh AND tell the world what we really want for Mother's Day (hint: it isn't breakfast in bed, consisting of burnt toast that's just going to crumble into our sheets and give us another load of laundry to wash).

I know, funny, right? Well, on top of that, they've partnered with Sweet Relish, who has agreed to donate up to $10,000 to Shelter House, a safe place for victims of domestic violence, based on the number of times any of these cards is shared on a blog, Facebook, Pinterest or Twitter. So, get some giggles, share these cards and help moms in need. To see the rest of the ecards and find out more, click here!